What are friends?

Aractus 10, December, 2013

I’ve been feeling really alone lately, and I’m not happy about how this year has gone.

I had plans to reconnect with as many of my friends as possible – this made me barely any real progress. I lost friendships this year. I know I can’t force people to do what I want, but friends are only as good as they want to be, if a true friend puts you first then I don’t have any.

I mourn and lament the loss of friends. I have missed many of them.

Some time ago, somebody looked me in the eye as a friend and said “well find someone else”. This is just one of many times when friends have chosen to ignore me in my times of need. They’re happy to come to me if they need someone to talk to, but to leave a brick wall of apathy behind for me.

I’m damned if I do, and I’m damned if I don’t.

Over the past few years, I’ve never received an apology from a friend which didn’t have a “but” in it. These people that I care about cherish and love are good enough to lie to me, ignore me, betray my trust, and choose not to acknowledge my feelings, but can’t show they have a shred of human decency by saying sorry without “but”.

I get sick of being treated like dirt. When friends make me feel worthless it leads to arguments, those arguments then lead to me having to swallow a bullshit compromise that doesn’t require that they acknowledge any of my feelings. Or being constantly judged by others for “not reconciling” when in fact I do make every possible effort to do so. Or listening to “friends” come up with excuses blaming me for their hurtful behaviour towards me.

If I had to define “friend” it would be: “people that let you down when you need them”.

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